A breakdown of the popefuls

A hearty congratulations to all the Catholics out there on the election of Cardinal Ratzinger as your pope. As a committed journalist, I've been saddened by the amount of secrecy surrounding this process (I mean, it's not like they have anything to hide, right?). Fortunately, I've acquired some pretty in-depth information from an insider (clue: his name is a pun for "cardinal law"). What follows is the breakdown of the final votes according to the number received.

1. Ratzinger (82 votes)



As chief theological expert, a logical choice for continuity and religious fervor. After the vote was in, Ratzinger exclaimed "Heil me!" followed by a minute of awkward silence and regret. At the papal chimney he is rumored to have taken fellow german cardinals aside and whispered, "Ahhh, white smoke. brings back the memories, doesn't it? Heil me!" "Heil you," they whispered back solemnly.

2. Arinze (21 votes)




Arinze was hurt by the Vatican's well-established aversion to hip-hop and "ethnics." After realizing that he had been roundly outvoted, Arinze blamed homosexuals for "mocking the family, and also grabbing my ass in the club last night."

3. Cardinal Bob (7 votes)




Still a fetus, the Bishop of Nebraska's age seems to have worked against him, though many within the conclave believed that his election would reinforce the church's "unassailable position on life."

4. Roberto Benigni (2 votes)



The church's head cardinal in matters of slapstick and wacky Europeanism, Benigni's candidacy fell apart after giving John Paul II a wedgy as his body sat in the papal crypt, awaiting interment. Benigni could not be talked down from the table in order to comment on the proceedings.

5. The Head Butler with the "Soft Hands" (1 vote)



As a gay man "serving the conclave," head butler Ronaldo Firenze made a profound impact on the deliberations. "He's just so fucking dreamy," said an anonymous cardinal, who added, "there are worse things than having a gay pope. Like not having anybody massage my buttocks while I lie on my bed at night." (Clue about which cardinal this was: his first name rhymes with Bernard).

6. Ralph Nader (unknown)



Though his candidacy was never considered realistic, he was able to take just enough votes from Arinze and Benigni to capture the papacy for Ratzinger.