RIP Mitch Hedberg

Hey baby,

I haven't written in a while, and for that I'm sorry. No, I haven't been drinking too much. Yes, I'm working hard. Of course I still love you. What do you mean if I loved you I would have written more? Don't take that tone with me. I'll write when I damn well please. I swear to God woman, sometimes I feel like you're smothering me. Look, I'll write more. I didn't mean to say those things. Don't cry. Put your hair curlers down. You trying to kill me, woman? I promise I will, I'll write all the time. No, not every day! What the fuck do you think I am, a machine? Once a month. That's not bad right? Once a month. Awww baby, come back here. Once a week. And I won't post on any of those other blogs either. For real. Now let me tell you about something.

Mitch Hedberg died this week. He was my favorite comedian. I saw him in NY last year, and he was the only performer I've ever seen that I wanted to hug when the show was over (if the ewoks in Battle for Endor don't count)



Here's a sampling:

-If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

-I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend... don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under "D", for doughnut.

-My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...

-If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

-I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

-When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.

More here.